Quotes

I'm greedy about odd things - short stories, hand-written letters, pretty photographs, and quotes, to name a few. My friend Stephen also likes "cheesy quotes," and here's one that he shared with me:

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."

That was said by the unmatched Audrey Hepburn. Isn't it lovely?

Vivid Dream - #1

I usually have intensely vivid dreams that make me feel tired when I wake up. Some of them are so fun that I can't them out of my mind for the rest of the day, yet I always forget to write them down. Today, while cleaning my desk, I found a good one written down on a dusty scrap of paper.

I was standing before a turquoise, bungalow-style capsule lab at night. A man opened the door to let me in. Another researcher sat at one of two computers set up in front of a large window that looked into an adjacent room housing a large MRI scanner. The man asked whether I wanted a blood test done before my scan, and I said yes without hesitation. He said I was required to brush my teeth before he could draw my blood. I had left my toothbrush at work, so he got one for me out of a tall filing cabinet. It was orange with slightly crushed bristles. I didn't care too much that it had been used and wondered if he gave this one to all the test subjects that came in. I stepped outside and stared up at the brilliant stars while I brushed. The man poked his head out and said, "You don't ned to brush so thoroughly for a blood test. Finish up and spit on the grass there." I brushed my tongue hurriedly and took in a mouthful of water

My phone alarm went off, and I woke up distinctly disappointed that I'd never find out the results of my blood test. I can pinpoint two things that converged to form this strange dream.

One - I used to sign up to be a test subject for all sorts of studies done on campus. It was good money for a not starving but still poor college student who sometimes had only $20 in her checking account. I've had four or five MRI scans, and all of them were done in a camper-style lab on wheels that really was turquoise and shaped like a pill capsule. The researchers give you foam earplugs and position your head in a helmet-like structure before you slide into the scanner. The whirring and clanging of the machinery is loud inside, but I never minded it. The idea is to compare the brain's response to positive versus negative (even violent!) images, but the noise's rhythmic quality made it hard to stay awake and focus on the flashing images.

Two - I sometimes wonder whether my hormone levels are awry. Is that why I never had a growth spurt like my dad? Is that why I break out, even though I wash my pillowcases too often and angle the phone away from my cheek?  Is that why I only get around four periods a year (not that I'm complaining)? A simple blood test could give me a definite answer.

The business school's experiments were usually dry (negotiation scenarios, factors in decision-making, etc), but Neuroscience had some interesting ones. For a sleep study, I had to take a nap in a makeshift "bedroom" furnished with only an Ikea bed and a chair next to it. I slipped under the covers and tried to get sleepy while he stuck on some electrodes. I felt pressured to fall asleep so I could give them some good REM cycle brainwaves, but it took forever. I finally fell into a half-sleep and dreamed that the researcher had come back and was standing in the doorway shining a flashlight on my face. I woke up fully when his voice came over the intercom: "Okay, you can wake up now."

My friend Sara (a terribly smart girl) had designed a few experiments of her own, and she suckered me into being her subject twice. This involved pulling on a swim cap modified with plastic-rimmed holes through which she squirted some sort of gel. There's nothing quite like the feeling of cold gel oozing through your hair and onto your scalp. God, I'm such a good friend.

Ann's Misadventures - #2

Sometimes you just need to resist the urge to be nice or gentle and firmly say "NO!" Ann has a hard time with this pretty frequently, and the results are...well, you'll see.

[Ann]

btw i have a date i couldn't get out of tomorrow night

i'm so not looking forward to it.....the guy's personality is SUPER loud

i just fwded yj a msg he sent me awhile back

i'll send it to you for laughs

just so you know what i'm dealing with

can you IMAGINE me with this type of person

**********
Yeah, The Cure is totally killer. I mean, out of all the bands I listen to, I love killing while listening to them the most.
Wait, whaaaaaaaaaaAAAAA?

Man, the Jew in me WISHES I got everything with a discount. That'd be amazing. And, no, I don't take  anything. Sorry to crush your hopes and dreams. Oh, and I'm a freelance writer. Gotta use that energy for something! What do you do?

Damn, girl! You're hanging out with friends? Shiiiiit! Lucky! Actually, that sounds way more fun than my day of doing the laundry, going to the gymbo, and cooking. Wanna switch?

Oh, and I ONLY messaged you because you were a wannabe Jew. Durrr. Wait, you were a wannabe Jew? WTF? Haha! Stop copying my religion!! :D

OK, I'm going back to bed. I'm lame!

Peace,

Michael 

**********

[me]

oh my god....

i couldn't even laugh

i'm just cringing

so very cringing....

[Ann]

when he said "and no, i don't take anything" it was in response to me asking him if he's on drugs

i know xtine... i know. what was i thinking 

[me]

what do you mean you couldn't get out of it?

[Ann]

this is like all the worst of evan

well i flaked on him twice already...

like two separate dates

but he seemed kinda sad about it?

[me] 
i guess it's nice of you to give the guy a chance?

[Ann]

he texted me after i flaked the first time and said
"i know, you'll have to meet me sometime :( i'm sorry!"

which... i mean...........

when you hear that..........

what am i, a puppy kicker?

[me]

LOL

[Ann]

i gotta go...

[me]

no! just when it was getting so hilarious!

[Ann]

oh no i meant i had to go on that date

esp at this point if i just say no he'll be like "wtf did you waste my time"

so i gotta do it!!

watch i end up falling in love with him

i'll invite you to our wedding

Somehow I've forgotten how that date went. Maybe Ann managed to flake one last time and convinced the guy to finally give up the chase.

Ann's Misadventures - #1

[Ann] actually talk about random

this morning my coworker dave and i were walking to work

we were stopped at a light and while we were waiting.... this homeless woman was bugging us

she was a little high i think...

she was talking about how nice my skin is! no joke

so random
[me] were you flattered?
[Ann] haha well for all i know she could've been saying the same thing to a lightpost 5 mins prior

so i didn't take it too seriously

[me] awww sad

she was just trying to give you a compliment, ann

i swear, so mean

[Ann] i said thanks!

but she was not in the frame of mind to be taken seriously

The Cutest Intern

[Hannah] the cutest intern just dropped off his timecards!

[me] ooh, be friendly

[Hannah] he's like stereotypically nerd

[me] *SWOON

[Hannah] and i couldn't stop cracking up after he left

he gave us 4 timecards and we said 4?

[me] what do you mean by "stereotypically nerd"?

[Hannah] and he said...in his nasally voice...i like to clump them together

and we said, it's better to turn them in weekly

and he said, this is my last week so, i hope you can forgive me

like steve erkel but not as extreme

so cute

curly hair

khaki pants

glasses

[me] ....that's not what i pictured when you said "the cutest intern"....

[Hannah] but i just wanted to hug him

he was so cute

"i hope you can forgive me"

Out Sick

Hannah went home from work, sick.

I get a call from her and start feeling worried it's so bad she needs me to come home and take care of her.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Yeah...um, where are the legs and wings and everything?"
"What?"

I had already eaten those pieces while de-boning the rotisserie chicken Dad had gotten from Costco the day before. Sick, my ass.

Lost Then Found: Gertrude

An excerpt from a tender little article in the NY Times, "Chicken Vanishes, Heartbreak Ensues":

And what’s not to love? There’s something intrinsically happy about a chicken. The name: a little hiccup in the mouth. The shape: a jaunty upswing of feathers, a grin. The ceaseless bobbing, scratching, pecking. It’s nearly impossible to feel melancholy in the company of chickens. They are a balm for the weary urban soul. 

True, very true.

I had a friend in high school who had 13! pet chickens in her backyard. They lived in a wall of roomy cages built into a sort of shed by the pool. Her favorite chicken was missing a toe because she accidentally dropped a flashlight onto its foot one unfortunate night. They were let out to roam the backyard regularly and loved to jump into the pool, which was custom-lined with smooth black rocks. I used to have a sweet little chick myself. I was alone in my AP Bio classroom when it hatched, so I was its mother. It would run across the living room to me cheeping madly and flapping its tiny wings. I took it for walks to Van Ness park, and sometimes it fell into the play pit sand. Eventually I had to give him away to a lady with a farm, but I still remember the way he would nestle down into my palm until his neck disappeared and fall asleep. He looked just like a Peep. I miss you, little chick.

Cample

Definition: To enter on a wordy conflict; to answer in anger; to wrangle, scold, or quarrel.

As in: 1628 R. Burton Anat. Melancholy (ed. 3) iii. iii. iv. ii. 572 If they be incensed, angry, chide a little, their wiues must not campell againe, but take it in good part.

How great is this? :)

Don't Leave Your Sunglasses at Home

I was walking to Starbucks on my break when I spotted a couple of those charitable organization donation gatherers. Ugh, the familiar dread. I always feel compelled to come up with some lame excuse for not stopping to talk instead of being callous enough to ignore them. This time it was, "I have to be somewhere (pointing down the street), but good luck!" Of course they're still there when I walk back half an hour later, coffee in hand. I was shielding my eyes from the sun with my folded newspaper, and one of them says, "Hey, baby, you need an umbrella for that! I lived in Asia for three years so I know. You don't want that dark skin." Uh, what? I still have no idea what he was trying to convey with that one. Was he trying to be funny? Helpful in a really strange and awkward way? Or maybe it was supposed to be a snide comment about Asians' obsession with skincare?

What is it with White people who've lived in Asia for a few years, think they're suddenly an expert in all things Asian, and then feel a need to announce it to everyone? I'm not the politically-correct police here, but it still annoyed me. I just glanced back at him and said, "Don't you mean parasol?" I was walking briskly, as usual, so I didn't hear any response. If only I had had a more barbed and disdainful comment to shoot back...

Mobamarms

One of my New Year's resolutions is to have Michelle Obama arms (aka Mobamarms) by the end of this year. I've always considered my arms one of my worst features, so now I'm finally going to do something about it. For real this time! No more sets of 3 with pink, 2-pound weights almost every other night. I've moved on to the big-girl machines at the gym. Last night was my third night at the gym this week! That may not be shocking to anyone else, but it's a personal record for me.

Now if only I could get Mobama to be my personal trainer....

Some Adult Truths From a Coworker

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. I can't really relate to this personally since it never happens to me, but I get the idea.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Was learning cursive really necessary? Learning cursive just ruined my print.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. No one's gonna make me throw away my Mary Poppins VHS!

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my 10-page technical report that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

It's hard to decipher the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word someone said? Mostly I don't even bother with the What; I just go right to the nod. Whoops!

No French Fry Tips!

Talking to a friend recently, I suddenly remembered a rather traumatic job I had for a few months of freshman year. Feeling both benevolent and desperate for a job at the time, I had signed up to be a "personal aide" for a disabled student living a few floors down. By disabled I mean quadriplegic. My duties: escorting her to/from class, helping with notes/homework, feeding her lunch, and *ahem* assorted hygiene stuff. Don't even ask.

Another thing is that "Mary" couldn't speak, so she used a computer-controlled voice synthesizer thing. Each conversation took an eternity! "Hey, Mary! How's it going?" "Hi.....Chris..tine. I'm.....do...ing..fine. C..an....you..(two minutes pass)..please....ti..e...my....hair?" (She'd ask me to do really random things for her all time - tie her hair, rub lotion into her hands, look for her favorite sweater in the closet, etc.) It was hard to not think of Stephen Hawking at times like this.

The only really scary part was lunchtime. Mary had an undying love for the french fries at Sweetheart Cafe, and she asked for them almost every time. The thing with these french fries, though, is that they're cut pointy at both ends, which means they also get extra crispy in the fryer. Not a good thing to swallow when your throat's not working properly. I literally had to cut the ends off of every...single....fry. Then I had to cut the blunted fries into smaller pieces before finally feeding them to her. I don't know if you've ever heard a quadriplegic person swallow, but it sounds awful. I freaked out the first time thinking I made her choke. Oh, how could I almost forget about the juice? That made me almost pass out! I also used to worry about what would happen if she got hugely overweight eating french fries and being in her chair all the time.

I still can't believe I actually had this job, except that I remember how exhausted I'd feel after a shift. Some of the (larger, stronger) aides actually lifted her out of the chair for restroom breaks and showers - thank God I'm too small for that! I can't imagine having no privacy at all and being forced to rely on complete strangers for even the most basic things. I wonder how Mary's doing now. The last time I saw her was three years ago on campus from too far away to say hello.

Names

Ann and I can kill a few hours just talking about names - our secret future baby names, the names we'd rather have instead of Ann and Christine, or our steadfast belief in how having certain names can create certain personalities. Once we wandered around Claremont for hours just talking about names and picking out which houses were the nicest. Ann likes it when someone has a first name-y last name, like John Oliver. I like names that translate easily into nicknames, like Olivia. You can't really get any good nicknames out of Christine. 'Chrissy' is kind of disgusting. My friend Joanna calls me 'Christiney weenie" sometimes, but I like her enough to let it slide (as I cringe to myself). Oh well.